May 24, 2015
Yesterday was a big day for me. With me it was also a big day for my boyfriend. On February 15th, 2014 he proposed to me and yesterday was the day we looked forward to. I was very aware of the emotions I felt. We had no major problems and the weather was far better than I expected. I enjoyed the sun a lot. We had our reception in the garden of the festival hall we chose. The wedding pictures were made when the sun was shining. We got married in the city we love to live in. All the things I planned went well. My body survived and I hadn’t too much pain the day itself and today, the day after. We invited a lot of people, and most of them could join us and enjoyed the delicious food.
Now I realise the wedding has been my goal for over the past year and a half. That’s why I feel empty right now. I have no goal and it really feels like I have nothing to live for. It’s far more than boredom. It’s feeling useless. My mind wants a purpose that’s measurable, something where it can see the result of it. So it doesn’t need to trust the other entities of a human being, such as feelings, a body, the spirit/ soul,… It feels anxious because to trust these entities and wants to avoid it at all costs.
I know this all is coming forward because it is the question I tried to ask myself since a few weeks now. I really don’t want to make big chances in my life before feeling that these changes are good for me, especially long-term speaking. I avoid looking at my feelings because I’m so scared of getting stuck in negativity and because I can’t believe that I’m already strong enough to not let myself go to deep. Yes I know, the key lies in taking action and experiencing I am strong enough.
It is frustrating I am aware of me avoiding all these things because of my fear. I know it is already a big step into the right direction, but still it is very frustrating that I feel stuck in this same sort of situations for many years now. How much I want to change, it’s not enough to actually change…