I feel strong today. I don’t know whether it has to do something with the free online ASMR-session I listened to yesterday night.
It changed something, that’s for sure. I still feel strong, even though it’s already noon at the moment. Strong is in my case having enough energy and courage to fight against the negative-talking inner critic. I say fight, because it feels that way.
My critic is something that already lives with me for more than a decade. It watched over me when the bullying and the stress at home were too much for me. I’m grateful because it let me survive several years of insecurity, anxiety, not feeling loved and so on. That’s why my critic is so strong, it had to be strong to win against all the things it faced during these horrible years.
I already know for several years now that my inner critic doesn’t have to be that strong anymore. I feel that it’s limiting me because it maintains my low self-esteem,. It also maintains how I hate being the disabled person, having almost invisible disabilities through which I don’t get the recognition I need and always shall have the feeling I need to justify and fight for what I need until the end of my days.
I wonder whether the changes will stay or will lessen after some time. The disappointment shall be hard when the changes disappear, because my will to grow and to make changes in the way I see myself is so strong. Despite this has been already so strong for several years now, the changes weren’t that fundamental. The theme that matters for almost everything else in my life, accepting and loving myself as I am, didn’t yet have big changes.
So what changed? Because I know all this has been the way I felt until yesterday (Almost literally until that specific day…) it all feels weird today. I don’t have that pure negative image of myself. The problem with changing after being bullied, it was for me believing the opposite of what the bullies said to me. That opposite is positive, after all. Let’s be positive and say until yesterday – until yesterday I had no doubts about what my critic told me. Literally everything about me was negative, or I achieved something because someone had helped me. I could not accomplish anything good on my own. There always someone or something that helped me. I also didn’t deserve something that was or even should be good/ healthy to me. However my mind told the more realistic picture, nothing was able to keep me from believing all the bad things I learned telling myself to protect me from everything that happened.
Oh yes, I already knew it is all in my past and I should be able to let it go, because of the strong critic, and because I believed that everything could occur once again, that was something I couldn’t do. It was too dangerous. In my belief, it was still needed to let the critic watch over me so strong, because otherwise I surely should have faced all the pain over and over again. I still was a very potential victim because me as a person wasn’t that much changed in comparison with 10 to 15 years ago. I still have Aspergers, and a physical disability.