Truth vs confidence

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Hi you all, how are you doing today ?

I don't really know how I'm feeling today. It is something in between happy and sad, but it's not that I'm not feeling anything. I can't describe it yet. As always I'm afraid to look  inside myself. Afraid is even too simple, it's much more complex. That's why my defensive system starts working by blocking everything, really everything. That's why it's mostly a disappointment when I look inside me. Sometimes I can feel few feelings, sometimes I don't feel anything. This is, of course, when I'm conscious looking inside me.

I need to learn that there are less threats now than there were in the past. Tricky thing because I don't believe it. Everything I come across nowadays,  I give it such a heavy weight, that it is always on the same level as everything I've gone through in the past. Truth is, that's not true and I am trying to believe it. It's pretty hard.

Building confidence is very difficult when you are challenged every day. It's almost every time I have a slight of self-confidence that something happens which lowers my confidence again and so I can start over,again and again. It's pretty sad and I'm pretty mad at it. 

That's something I shouldn't feel. I'm 29, I should have accepted all of it. I know that's not true but somehow I am convinced the world is looking at me that way, so how can I accept myself as I still believe everything, for the full 100%,  what has been told me in my youth ?

How can I start believing little things that are differently than what has been told? I don't believe them now. 

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