Being rude

I did it again. I was too rude again.

We are at holiday with 1 of my husband’s daughters and her boyfriend. When I told my husband yesterday evening that the daughter hadn’t liked what I said in a conversation earlier, he told me I said it quite rude. I feel very bad. Firstly because I didn’t see it through by myself and secondly because I am aware these are the moments other people can make  an an image of me, as a person.

I mean: if people don’t know each other, everyone begins at the same spot, and the failures like this will be counted up and will make the image other people have. This image doesn’t fit me, according to me. I am not rude, I am not incapable of empathy because I react wrongly sometimes, but this is the sort of behaviour they see. Sometimes I see it through, I say sorry and mostly I give an explanation because I feel guilty. Sometimes I don’t see it through and I believe that these situations give other people the opportunity to make an image of me.

Probably they don’t remember it long and if there is enough time between several failures, it all will turn out better than I imagine, but I do all save it in my memories.

I blame myself every time again, increasingly not because of the disability,  but because I wish deeply others see me as I really am.

Joke

Sweden

Hi there, how are you doing? I am feeling a lot of tension. It’s good tension though. In about 6 hours my husband and I are driving of to Sweden for a fortnight. It will be the first long ride for a new car. Also for me it has been a long time I drove that far. I am very excited. We are hiring at cottage, so despite simply going to the buffet, we need to prepare our meals ourselves.

When we arrive in Sweden, my husband’s daughter and her boyfriend will normally be there already, so today we don’t need to prepare the food, they will. It gives me a lot of stress: the idea we need to prepare food. Not because I can’t cook or because my food isn’t tasty, but because I feel a lot of frustration in the process of preparing food. It always will be more difficult for me than for others. I am aware I am comparing and that’s not the best thing I can do, but let’s be honest. Preparing a meal is not that easy and quickly done for me. It’s not: ‘so let’s chop a cucumber and in 10 minutes we have a meal’. That’s what’s frustrating me. It takes a lot of energy from me energy, Energy I can’t use for something else. It is almost when I use my energy, I need to rest. That’s the consequence for using energy.  Not funny.

I’m hoping to have some time in Sweden to write, so I hope to see you soon.