Being rude

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I did it again. I was too rude again.

We are at holiday with 1 of my husband’s daughters and her boyfriend. When I told my husband yesterday evening that the daughter hadn’t liked what I said in a conversation earlier, he told me I said it quite rude. I feel very bad. Firstly because I didn’t see it through by myself and secondly because I am aware these are the moments other people can make  an an image of me, as a person.

I mean: if people don’t know each other, everyone begins at the same spot, and the failures like this will be counted up and will make the image other people have. This image doesn’t fit me, according to me. I am not rude, I am not incapable of empathy because I react wrongly sometimes, but this is the sort of behaviour they see. Sometimes I see it through, I say sorry and mostly I give an explanation because I feel guilty. Sometimes I don’t see it through and I believe that these situations give other people the opportunity to make an image of me.

Probably they don’t remember it long and if there is enough time between several failures, it all will turn out better than I imagine, but I do all save it in my memories.

I blame myself every time again, increasingly not because of the disability,  but because I wish deeply others see me as I really am.


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