Listening to the fear I feel

I want to take a day off at work. The question is: do I want to spend a day I got from my employer, or do I prefer to call me in sick? The moment I tell Danny, anxiety calls in. However I know, everyone is guilty to this crime every now and then, I know it isn’t right, it feels like I’m taking a HUGE risk. Just a few hours ago I told a good friend I really want to learn how to not always take to heart what I believe others will think of me, because I know I could mentally grow a lot. I also said I’m aware of the vicious circle I keep alive. It came to my consciousness that I mostly choose the safest option because I want to get rid of the horrible feeling of anxiety as soon as possible.

And here I am, I know going to work is the safest option, but my inner critic is telling me all what can feed my anxiety. Not only referring to this situation but really all the things it knows. Even though I know it isn’t realistic, I believe it completely…

I’m glad I could persuade myself to write this all down.

‘Till next time.

Joke

The ‘cat situation’

12 July

I’m feeling scared and useless. The cat just attacked me from behind. He grabed my left calf and hold it, even when I shouted ‘No’ and ‘Ouch’ towards him. It is an example of domination which I can’t cope with. At such moment I’m not scared, I think, I panic instead. Immediately I feel worthless. I’m exhausted. Worrying, am I worrying? Well, I’m not thinking, I’m recovering. I read a lot on Facebook and you all know they’re loads of quotes passing by every day. Yesterday I read one that didn’t pass before. “Having a panic attack can be compared with running a marathon, of course you’re exhausted.” However I continued scrolling down when I read this on Facebook, I often thought about it today. That’s probably why I consciously felt how exhausted I was after my panic attack in the ‘cat situation’. I never called it a panic attack, when I feel anxiety. I can’t tell the difference between having anxiety and having a panic attack. The boundary between these two situations isn’t clear for me. Maybe that’s why I tell others I have anxiety, but is it not completely true. Maybe, unconsciously, I’m not completely honest with myself. Shall reading the qoute be the moment in my life that I realize, believe and accept that I’ m still suffering from panic attacks?

Greetings

Joke

A new start

Hi you all,

I’m having a pretty tough time at the moment. Tomorrow,  Monday, 29th June, it will be my first day back at work after I broke my ankle. At the same time it will be the first time the central services of the company I work for, are located at their new position. Yes, they are moving at this particular moment. Okay, a little bit more information:

Until January 2015, I worked 4 days per week for a local government here in Belgium, that gave social institutions the opportunity to use interpreters when their clients didn’t speak or understand Dutch.

Because of a new federal law a new agency was founded and a lot of local institutions were united from New Year’s Day. The new agency employs around 650 employees who all do a job in function of integration or habituation. The goal of this agency is to centralize a lot of tasks, so there are created some new central teams, like HR, financial services, logistics and so on.

I told the head of my service that I really would like to work in the central financial team, and because there were short of people who would like to do that, I was allowed to work 2 days/week in my ‘old’ function, and 2 days/week in my ‘new’ function. The new function holds new colleagues, a new workplace, new tasks… This structure held from January untill June.

This weekend the new central teams are moving to their new building and off the record I know I need to go to this new building Monday the 29th. In the structure counting up to the moment I broke my ankle, Monday was a day I had to do the tasks of my old function. I can interpret this as the board has decided to give me the function in the central financial team. Me happy but scared to have misinterpreted. Is it ‘Will I start tomorrow in my new function’ or is it ‘ I’m allowed to start in the new function’

It’s hard because I really have no further information about the conditions which come with the new function. Yes, I know, a lot of answers I will get tomorrow, or I will have the opportunity to ask for more information to my new team leader. Every minute I don’t know more, it feels really harsh, nevertheless I know I will probably have to wait a few days before the financial manager or the leader of the financial team will find an hour or so to sit together with me so I will get some more information.

I’m nervous. I’m glad I already know my new colleagues, but the adrenaline is pumping through my body.

Many greetings,

Joke

What happened this month

Hello everybody,

How are you today? Here all is going relatively well. I promised to tell you what happened this month,  so here we go:

On my way back home from my day at work Tuesday 9 June, I wrenched my right ankle when I got off the bus. Some young men helped me getting up and I called my husband because going home independently wasn’t an option. It hurt too much to go home without help, I would have to go home by foot. That would have been impossible.

On Wednesday, I called my GP because I wanted to be sure whether nothing really serious happened to my foot. She wasn’t able to come over to my house because she was sitting in a wheelchair. I don’t know what happened to her, but I had to find another doctor in the neighborhood. The doctor could come over the same day, so a couple of hours later he had examined my foot. He prescribed me a brace for my ankle and to be sure he wanted me to go to the hospital to take some pictures, but he didn’t think it was broken.

I went to the hospital, needed to wait for quite a long time, because the prescription wasn’t valid. He forgot to put his stamp on the prescription, so his name and address weren’t there, and above all he hadn’t written my name and address on it too..

The radiologist came to tell me my ankle.was broken, so I was brought, in a wheelchair, to the emergency room. After telling my story again and a third time there the word ‘plaster’ fell.

I asked myself a couple of times in my past what I would do if something bad happened physical,  worse than falling on the floor and having a hole in my trousers.

I never found the answer, because I knew that plaster wasn’t possible for me. I can’t walk with two crutches. I’m glad the doctor at the emergency room followed in this opinion. No joking: I even wouldn’t be able to get to the toilet having my foot plastered. Again a prescription for an ankle brace, and some painkillers.

The next day, Thursday already, my dad drove me to the nearest orthopedic and that’s how it is today: resting a lot and if I’m going out I wear my ankle brace.

I have an appointment at the hospital on June 30, but the emergency doctor has written that I have to stay home untill the 28th on his certificate I had to give to my employer.  I will have to go to my GP for being legally absent at work. I hope I can take a bus independently by Friday,  otherwise I need to find a solution for all this.  I’m already thinking about it, consciously a 100 times and unconsciously a lot more… *sigh*

You would do me a big favor by liking, commenting and sharing my website to all your friends.  I love you all!

xxx

Joke

Broken ankle - June 2015

 

A new step

Hi everybody,

In a next blog I will explain all the things that happened the last few days, but I really want to shout out one thing right now: I have my own website on the world wide web ;-). You can find it at followmeinmyjourney.com. It still is very basic, but there will be changes soon, so come back and follow the development.

Have a nice day!!

Joke

enthusiasm

 

 

 

 

 

 

May 24, 2015

May 24, 2015

Yesterday was a big day for me. With me it was also a big day for my boyfriend. On February 15th, 2014 he proposed to me and yesterday was the day we looked forward to. I was very aware of the emotions I felt. We had no major problems and the weather was far better than I expected. I enjoyed the sun a lot. We had our reception in the garden of the festival hall we chose. The wedding pictures were made when the sun was shining. We got married in the city we love to live in. All the things I planned went well. My body survived and I hadn’t too much pain the day itself and today, the day after. We invited a lot of people, and most of them could join us and enjoyed the delicious food.

Now I realise the wedding has been my goal for over the past year and a half. That’s why I feel empty right now. I have no goal and it really feels like I have nothing to live for. It’s far more than boredom. It’s feeling useless. My mind wants a purpose that’s measurable, something where it can see the result of it. So it doesn’t need to trust the other entities of a human being, such as feelings, a body, the spirit/ soul,… It feels anxious because to trust these entities and wants to avoid it at all costs.

I know this all is coming forward because it is the question I tried to ask myself since a few weeks now. I really don’t want to make big chances in my life before feeling that these changes are good for me, especially long-term speaking. I avoid looking at my feelings because I’m so scared of getting stuck in negativity and because I can’t believe that I’m already strong enough to not let myself go to deep. Yes I know, the key lies in taking action and experiencing I am strong enough.

It is frustrating I am aware of me avoiding all these things because of my fear. I know it is already a big step into the right direction, but still it is very frustrating that I feel stuck in this same sort of situations for many years now. How much I want to change, it’s not enough to actually change…

Greetings

Joke

The dentist

Another moment of
standing up for myself. Always difficult. It was long ago, but yesterday I felt
a toothache, so today I called my dentist. I haven’t been there for long, so
she started off by saying that yearly going to the dentist is for preventing
such situations. As if I don’t know that. But going to the dentist is expensive
and I rather give my money to food than to an appointment by the dentist. I
knew this morning, when I felt pain again, that it was best to call the dentist,
because it isn’t a toothache that will pass by. Hoping for an appointment in
the near future, the dentist told me that she could give me an appointment this
afternoon, because of an annulation by someone else.
So I’m going to the
dentist today. I’m lucky because my co-workers allow me to have a half a day off
at work. I’m not looking forward to the appointment, I’m pretty scared for
getting comments about my teeth. I know I don’t brush them enough, but it’s
still hard when the dentist gives comments about it.
I need to go,
otherwise I miss the train to Leuven,
Greetings,

Joke

My right to exist

My right to exist

I had a good conversation with my coach earlier this week. We, or probably I, discovered which words describe my trauma. OK, you already guessed: the events in my past led to my conviction I have no right to exist, at all…

I know, it sounds harsh, but this is exactly how I feel now and how I felt since my youth. Everything I did, held a lot of anxiety. Today, it is still the same. I cope with it, because I have to go to work, because I have to pay the bills, etc. It isn’t an option to do nothing at all because of the anxiety, I will get in trouble, no?

Now that I found these words describing my basic fear, it is easier for me to give it a moment thought. I can’t explain why it is, but it is. Since the conversation Saturday (it’s Wednesday today), I’m thinking about this text. Not about what I’m going to write but about taking action. I think about my wish to write to you, and about the anxiety that holds me back to actually do it.

I can’t explain why I succeed at this moment and why I couldn’t do it yesterday or another day. I don’t know why anxiety isn’t holding me back now. I know I really want to post this, because it’s my dream to help or inspire through what I tell the world at this blog.

Have a good day, see you next time!

Joke

counting down to wednesday

Hi everyone,

Like I told you in the previous post, I’m very anxious. At this moment it is mostly because I’m going back to work. Another 2 days at home, and then I need to go back to work after being a month at home because of my recovery from the flu. It’s never been proved that I have suffered from it, but one thing is certain, I’ve been sick and didn’t stop working at that time. I still need to call my doctor to get the results from the blood tests I did, but normally it will have better results than from the one I did more than 3 weeks ago. I took my vitamins correctly, so that should be no problem.

All this means I need to get to work again Wednesday, and that’s making me anxious. My self-esteem is even lower/ non-existing sometimes than it is normally. I will need to ‘ignore’ the fear about working the first few days. Probably I will notice that it’s all alright and sooner as I will notice I will be back in the flow and I will overdo again. This overdoing is something that’s always been the case, as I look back in my past. It has been seen, also by myself, as normal, but actually it is overdoing myself in all facets: physically, mentally, emotionally, socially,…

That’s my fear, in the past I never noticed that I was overdoing and so there were moments that I need to stop with that I was doing because I couldn’t go on. I thought my inner alarm for this would work after all this years trial and error, but I’ve seen now that yes, it’s working, but still pretty late… I will grow in this, I know, but on the while: do I need to accept that I will need these long recovery periods because of my overdoing until the time my inner alarm will go off on time instead of too late?

To end this post, I want to say sorry about my mistakes in my English, I’ve learnt it at university, but that’s already long ago and without practise… Yes, you forget some details  🙂

Have a good day and see you next time!

Joke

Anxiety

I’m scared. I can’t describe it. From 17th Februari I need to stay home from work. Pretty nasty shortage of multiple vitamines… First day at work again will be 16th March and since a few days I’m worrying as shit about it. How long will I work until I need to stay at home again with the same symptoms? how long will it take that my body and mind will try to tell me that I’m doing more than I actually can handle. How long will it take for me to see these signs? But most scaring to me: how long will it take for me to start making mistakes or when will my employer not be happy anymore about the work I do?

I know I think too much but I’m scared as hell about my job. If, in the future, I don’t get the money I get today, we won’t be able to live in the house we’re living in. It would be really too expansive. And really: I don’t have the energy to move out and all the rest that comes with it.

Oh yeah, I know there is no really threat at the moment but it is almost a certainty that something will happen, that’s what anxiety is doing with me. I really don’t want this but I do not have control about it. I can’t control the anxiety. I just believe what he is saying, although I really conscious know it is the anxiety who let me believe exaggerated things.

 I’m fighting against it for more than fifhteen years and I’m REALLY done with it. I’m so angry and sad that anxiety still paralyses me every single day. I can’t live like I want, I’m hurting people I love. I hate anxiety, and still, how much effort I put into it, it doesn’t move… >:(