Being rude

I did it again. I was too rude again.

We are at holiday with 1 of my husband’s daughters and her boyfriend. When I told my husband yesterday evening that the daughter hadn’t liked what I said in a conversation earlier, he told me I said it quite rude. I feel very bad. Firstly because I didn’t see it through by myself and secondly because I am aware these are the moments other people can make  an an image of me, as a person.

I mean: if people don’t know each other, everyone begins at the same spot, and the failures like this will be counted up and will make the image other people have. This image doesn’t fit me, according to me. I am not rude, I am not incapable of empathy because I react wrongly sometimes, but this is the sort of behaviour they see. Sometimes I see it through, I say sorry and mostly I give an explanation because I feel guilty. Sometimes I don’t see it through and I believe that these situations give other people the opportunity to make an image of me.

Probably they don’t remember it long and if there is enough time between several failures, it all will turn out better than I imagine, but I do all save it in my memories.

I blame myself every time again, increasingly not because of the disability,  but because I wish deeply others see me as I really am.

Joke

Sweden

Hi there, how are you doing? I am feeling a lot of tension. It’s good tension though. In about 6 hours my husband and I are driving of to Sweden for a fortnight. It will be the first long ride for a new car. Also for me it has been a long time I drove that far. I am very excited. We are hiring at cottage, so despite simply going to the buffet, we need to prepare our meals ourselves.

When we arrive in Sweden, my husband’s daughter and her boyfriend will normally be there already, so today we don’t need to prepare the food, they will. It gives me a lot of stress: the idea we need to prepare food. Not because I can’t cook or because my food isn’t tasty, but because I feel a lot of frustration in the process of preparing food. It always will be more difficult for me than for others. I am aware I am comparing and that’s not the best thing I can do, but let’s be honest. Preparing a meal is not that easy and quickly done for me. It’s not: ‘so let’s chop a cucumber and in 10 minutes we have a meal’. That’s what’s frustrating me. It takes a lot of energy from me energy, Energy I can’t use for something else. It is almost when I use my energy, I need to rest. That’s the consequence for using energy.  Not funny.

I’m hoping to have some time in Sweden to write, so I hope to see you soon. 

Truth vs confidence

Hi you all, how are you doing today ?

I don't really know how I'm feeling today. It is something in between happy and sad, but it's not that I'm not feeling anything. I can't describe it yet. As always I'm afraid to look  inside myself. Afraid is even too simple, it's much more complex. That's why my defensive system starts working by blocking everything, really everything. That's why it's mostly a disappointment when I look inside me. Sometimes I can feel few feelings, sometimes I don't feel anything. This is, of course, when I'm conscious looking inside me.

I need to learn that there are less threats now than there were in the past. Tricky thing because I don't believe it. Everything I come across nowadays,  I give it such a heavy weight, that it is always on the same level as everything I've gone through in the past. Truth is, that's not true and I am trying to believe it. It's pretty hard.

Building confidence is very difficult when you are challenged every day. It's almost every time I have a slight of self-confidence that something happens which lowers my confidence again and so I can start over,again and again. It's pretty sad and I'm pretty mad at it. 

That's something I shouldn't feel. I'm 29, I should have accepted all of it. I know that's not true but somehow I am convinced the world is looking at me that way, so how can I accept myself as I still believe everything, for the full 100%,  what has been told me in my youth ?

How can I start believing little things that are differently than what has been told? I don't believe them now. 

My health

Here I am again, as promised. Like I told you at the end of my last post, I have some health issues the last month. Approximately 3 weeks ago I went to my GP,  because it caught my eye I was becoming very tired again, despite I slept my average amount of hours during the night.

The doctor took some blood samples and the next day I called for the results. Most of the vitamins were okay. It wasn’t a surprise that my vitamin D was not good.  She also compared some results with the results of my blood samples in February. She told me the figures of the thyroid gland hormones were low in February , but now they were even lower. So she subscribed  pills for this. The low rates of this hormone could also be an explanation for my fatigue. It should be becoming better when taking the pills.  After a week home I got back to work and thought it would be okay in a few weeks.

That’s not the case. Since a few weeks I have I have a lot of pain in my neck, right shoulder and wrist. Normally this comes from stress, I have pain in my shoulder for one or two days and I know from which situation the stress comes. But now it’s different. The pain last longer and I never had pain in my wrist before. Back to my GP, she subscribed me some sessions at the physiotherapist and some anti-inflammatory pills. Now I have to stay home from work again, this time for a week and a half.

Because of the public holiday today I couldn’t go to physiotherapist yet. I feel pain when I overdo , and at the moment overdoing is doing what I always do. I really need to do everything in baby steps and a lot slower than normally.  I hope the next time I need to stay home will be a long time in the future. Now it is a few weeks quickly after one another and it makes me scared to be seen as a someone who takes advantage of it.

I hope it will all go well in a few weeks, but I think it will. I will be very pleased when the fatigue will lose terrain. It holds me back now.

Lots of love to you all and see you soon.

Joke

The past few weeks

It has been a long time you have heard of me but that’s because a lot has happened in the past few weeks. I will start in the middle of March. Then we got the announcement my car had arrived at the garage. It meant a lot of stress for me because there was a lot of administration and because the car had to be adjusted for me to drive it legally and that also isn’t done without a lot of communication and paperwork. The mechanic told us we would have the car on Thursday when we delivered it at Wednesday. So we had booked one night in a hotel in Antwerp. This Wednesday my husband drove the car to the special mechanic. Arrived there, he said if you’re lucky you will have your car at 6 p.m. Thursday. Oops that was a problem. He clearly said ‘if you are lucky’. he told us: it could also be 12 p.m. Well it wasn’t the plan to get the car at 12 p.m., so we booked another night in the hotel and luckily my husband’s boss allowed him to take an extra day off. Yes, we enjoyed our days at Antwerp and Thursday morning we got our car and I drove him back to Leuven. There were problems with the adjustments.  So I drove the 80 kilometres back to the mechanic and you have guessed it: at the garage, no problem at all. 500 meters out of the garage I tried the  adjustments. Luckily, there was the problem again so I could show the mechanic. There was something with the light from outside the car that interrupted the signal of my adjustment. Less than five minutes later there was the solution, tested again, thanked the mechanic and drove home. This time it all worked.

A few weeks later there were the assassinations in Brussels.  I think you all heard about it. The job I do is in Brussels but Tuesday’s are the days I work from home. I sat behind my computer when I heard the news. It has had an impact on me. The assassinations at itself but also because it was in Belgium, my country.

There also were the arguments with my husband. We have a good relationship: last January, we were four years together. Next May, we are one year married. The only real arguments we have are on the subject money. My husband dreams. I mean he has dreams. One of these dreams is having a tattoo on his whole back. His ex-wife didn’t allow it. I have no problem with it unless it scares me. So he started searching, made an appointment, the tattooist made an example and then there was it, for me all of the sudden, his announcement: I have planned 4 appointments in 4 weeks. Each appointment is a 4 hours session and 1 hour is 100 euros. BAM! I immediately knew we didn’t had the money. And from that moment we had a problem. Once I tell him he feels guilty, becomes very negative towards himself and starts saying that he will undo everything because he’s the fault of everything and all he does is wrong. It’s hard to tell him that it’s not. Well hard, I can’t tell him because I know he would block. He blocks everything, he is completely in silence. He is extremely mad at himself. If I’m honest, that’s really hard to cope with. Because of my past I think very fast the other person is mad at me. I fear mad people because I’m scared they’re going to hurt me and I am physically not able to defend myself in the same way the mad person can.  That gives me a lot of fear. This fear is getting worse when the other person is silent. The past few years I have learned a little bit to cope with this silence. It means to be silent too and not to ask over and over again for a reaction. At that point the other person gets angrier, he or she just wants to be alone. I try to cope with my anxiety at that point, but it is still very difficult and most of the times it doesn’t run the way I want it to be. I am aware that it all gets negative in my head at that point but trying to stop it didn’t succeed yet.

Second part

He knows I’m angry and I know it isn’t fair what he is doing but I don’t know  whether you have met a man that doesn’t come back from what he decided. No matter what arguments you have, he really won’t change his mind. Never. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know who or what has helped me with this, on Earth or spiritually, but the first session of 4 hours he came back home 2 hours too early. My first thought was ‘what bad has happened’, but it turned out  two hours were enough. It hurt him too much and he had asked whether the next sessions could be also sessions of 2 hours. He told me he was well aware about the money. The next session was planned 3 weeks from then. I made this blogpost in 2 parts. the first one was made on the day of the first session. Today, I write the 2nd part, on the day of the 3rd tattoo session, so for you to follow: today it is the 14th of May and three weeks ago I wrote the first part. So my husband just left for his 3rd session.

I have some health issues, I will write about them in my next post. This post will be coming online next Monday.

You don’t need to worry, it is curable.

Hopefully you all are coming back for my post on Monday! I really love to share my story with you.

An old year – a new year

Hello everyone,

On the last day of this year I want you all to wish something for your own. I wish something for you and for myself. I won’t forget myself, even though it mostly means my friends and family won’t hear that much from me. As if they hear a lot from me when I’m not taking care of myself. Not…

It’s quite frustrating that I can’t find the balance between what’s good for me, and what needs to be done because it’s law or because I need a roof over my head etc.

I’m currently in a down mood, it’s sucks, because I realise I don’t have to go to work for another 3 days, and I have already had 9 days, but I don’t manage to enjoy it consciously.

I don’t really know what’s holding me back from enjoying it. And it’s not very handy that I’m pretty scared of discovering what’s inside me – my source, my soul, whatever you call it.

Have you already done that wish for yourself? It’s time because I’m wishing myself a year I can live and laugh with my husband and to spiritually grow some more so I can be my authentic me more en more.

A lot of kisses and greetings to you all,

Joke

 

Major changes are on their way

I feel strong today. I don’t know whether it has to do something with the free online ASMR-session I listened to yesterday night.

It changed something, that’s for sure. I still feel strong, even though it’s already noon at the moment. Strong is in my case having enough energy and courage to fight against the negative-talking inner critic. I say fight, because it feels that way.

My critic is something that already lives with me for more than a decade. It watched over me when the bullying and the stress at home were too much for me. I’m grateful because it let me survive several years of insecurity, anxiety, not feeling loved and so on. That’s why my critic is so strong, it had to be strong to win against all the things it faced during these horrible years.

I already know for several years now that my inner critic doesn’t have to be that strong anymore. I feel that it’s limiting me because it maintains my low self-esteem,. It also maintains how I hate being the disabled person, having almost invisible disabilities through which I don’t get the recognition I need and always shall have the feeling I need to justify and fight for what I need until the end of my days.

I wonder whether the changes will stay or will lessen after some time. The disappointment shall be hard when the changes disappear, because my will to grow and to make changes in the way I see myself is so strong. Despite this has been already so strong for several years now, the changes weren’t that fundamental. The theme that matters for almost everything else in my life, accepting and loving myself as I am, didn’t yet have big changes.

So what changed? Because I know all this has been the way I felt until yesterday (Almost literally until that specific day…) it all feels weird today. I don’t have that pure negative image of myself. The problem with changing after being bullied, it was for me believing the opposite of what the bullies said to me. That opposite is positive, after all. Let’s be positive and say until yesterday – until yesterday I had no doubts about what my critic told me. Literally everything about me was negative, or I achieved something because someone had helped me. I could not accomplish anything good on my own. There always someone or something that helped me. I also didn’t deserve something that was or even should be good/ healthy to me. However my mind told the more realistic picture, nothing was able to keep me from believing all the bad things I learned telling myself to protect me from everything that happened.

Oh yes, I already knew it is all in my past and I should be able to let it go, because of the strong critic, and because I believed that everything could occur once again, that was something I couldn’t do. It was too dangerous. In my belief, it was still needed to let the critic watch over me so strong, because otherwise I surely should have faced all the pain over and over again. I still was a very potential victim because me as a person wasn’t that much changed in comparison with 10 to 15 years ago. I still have Aspergers, and a physical disability.

 

The ‘cat situation’

12 July

I’m feeling scared and useless. The cat just attacked me from behind. He grabed my left calf and hold it, even when I shouted ‘No’ and ‘Ouch’ towards him. It is an example of domination which I can’t cope with. At such moment I’m not scared, I think, I panic instead. Immediately I feel worthless. I’m exhausted. Worrying, am I worrying? Well, I’m not thinking, I’m recovering. I read a lot on Facebook and you all know they’re loads of quotes passing by every day. Yesterday I read one that didn’t pass before. “Having a panic attack can be compared with running a marathon, of course you’re exhausted.” However I continued scrolling down when I read this on Facebook, I often thought about it today. That’s probably why I consciously felt how exhausted I was after my panic attack in the ‘cat situation’. I never called it a panic attack, when I feel anxiety. I can’t tell the difference between having anxiety and having a panic attack. The boundary between these two situations isn’t clear for me. Maybe that’s why I tell others I have anxiety, but is it not completely true. Maybe, unconsciously, I’m not completely honest with myself. Shall reading the qoute be the moment in my life that I realize, believe and accept that I’ m still suffering from panic attacks?

Greetings

Joke