I’m feeling scared and useless. The cat just attacked me from behind. He grabed my left calf and hold it, even when I shouted ‘No’ and ‘Ouch’ towards him. It is an example of domination which I can’t cope with. At such moment I’m not scared, I think, I panic instead. Immediately I feel worthless. I’m exhausted. Worrying, am I worrying? Well, I’m not thinking, I’m recovering. I read a lot on Facebook and you all know they’re loads of quotes passing by every day. Yesterday I read one that didn’t pass before. “Having a panic attack can be compared with running a marathon, of course you’re exhausted.” However I continued scrolling down when I read this on Facebook, I often thought about it today. That’s probably why I consciously felt how exhausted I was after my panic attack in the ‘cat situation’. I never called it a panic attack, when I feel anxiety. I can’t tell the difference between having anxiety and having a panic attack. The boundary between these two situations isn’t clear for me. Maybe that’s why I tell others I have anxiety, but is it not completely true. Maybe, unconsciously, I’m not completely honest with myself. Shall reading the qoute be the moment in my life that I realize, believe and accept that I’ m still suffering from panic attacks?
I’m scared. I can’t describe it. From 17th Februari I need to stay home from work. Pretty nasty shortage of multiple vitamines… First day at work again will be 16th March and since a few days I’m worrying as shit about it. How long will I work until I need to stay at home again with the same symptoms? how long will it take that my body and mind will try to tell me that I’m doing more than I actually can handle. How long will it take for me to see these signs? But most scaring to me: how long will it take for me to start making mistakes or when will my employer not be happy anymore about the work I do?
I know I think too much but I’m scared as hell about my job. If, in the future, I don’t get the money I get today, we won’t be able to live in the house we’re living in. It would be really too expansive. And really: I don’t have the energy to move out and all the rest that comes with it.
Oh yeah, I know there is no really threat at the moment but it is almost a certainty that something will happen, that’s what anxiety is doing with me. I really don’t want this but I do not have control about it. I can’t control the anxiety. I just believe what he is saying, although I really conscious know it is the anxiety who let me believe exaggerated things.
I’m fighting against it for more than fifhteen years and I’m REALLY done with it. I’m so angry and sad that anxiety still paralyses me every single day. I can’t live like I want, I’m hurting people I love. I hate anxiety, and still, how much effort I put into it, it doesn’t move… >:(