Listening to the fear I feel

I want to take a day off at work. The question is: do I want to spend a day I got from my employer, or do I prefer to call me in sick? The moment I tell Danny, anxiety calls in. However I know, everyone is guilty to this crime every now and then, I know it isn’t right, it feels like I’m taking a HUGE risk. Just a few hours ago I told a good friend I really want to learn how to not always take to heart what I believe others will think of me, because I know I could mentally grow a lot. I also said I’m aware of the vicious circle I keep alive. It came to my consciousness that I mostly choose the safest option because I want to get rid of the horrible feeling of anxiety as soon as possible.

And here I am, I know going to work is the safest option, but my inner critic is telling me all what can feed my anxiety. Not only referring to this situation but really all the things it knows. Even though I know it isn’t realistic, I believe it completely…

I’m glad I could persuade myself to write this all down.

‘Till next time.


A new start

Hi you all,

I’m having a pretty tough time at the moment. Tomorrow,  Monday, 29th June, it will be my first day back at work after I broke my ankle. At the same time it will be the first time the central services of the company I work for, are located at their new position. Yes, they are moving at this particular moment. Okay, a little bit more information:

Until January 2015, I worked 4 days per week for a local government here in Belgium, that gave social institutions the opportunity to use interpreters when their clients didn’t speak or understand Dutch.

Because of a new federal law a new agency was founded and a lot of local institutions were united from New Year’s Day. The new agency employs around 650 employees who all do a job in function of integration or habituation. The goal of this agency is to centralize a lot of tasks, so there are created some new central teams, like HR, financial services, logistics and so on.

I told the head of my service that I really would like to work in the central financial team, and because there were short of people who would like to do that, I was allowed to work 2 days/week in my ‘old’ function, and 2 days/week in my ‘new’ function. The new function holds new colleagues, a new workplace, new tasks… This structure held from January untill June.

This weekend the new central teams are moving to their new building and off the record I know I need to go to this new building Monday the 29th. In the structure counting up to the moment I broke my ankle, Monday was a day I had to do the tasks of my old function. I can interpret this as the board has decided to give me the function in the central financial team. Me happy but scared to have misinterpreted. Is it ‘Will I start tomorrow in my new function’ or is it ‘ I’m allowed to start in the new function’

It’s hard because I really have no further information about the conditions which come with the new function. Yes, I know, a lot of answers I will get tomorrow, or I will have the opportunity to ask for more information to my new team leader. Every minute I don’t know more, it feels really harsh, nevertheless I know I will probably have to wait a few days before the financial manager or the leader of the financial team will find an hour or so to sit together with me so I will get some more information.

I’m nervous. I’m glad I already know my new colleagues, but the adrenaline is pumping through my body.

Many greetings,



I’m scared. I can’t describe it. From 17th Februari I need to stay home from work. Pretty nasty shortage of multiple vitamines… First day at work again will be 16th March and since a few days I’m worrying as shit about it. How long will I work until I need to stay at home again with the same symptoms? how long will it take that my body and mind will try to tell me that I’m doing more than I actually can handle. How long will it take for me to see these signs? But most scaring to me: how long will it take for me to start making mistakes or when will my employer not be happy anymore about the work I do?

I know I think too much but I’m scared as hell about my job. If, in the future, I don’t get the money I get today, we won’t be able to live in the house we’re living in. It would be really too expansive. And really: I don’t have the energy to move out and all the rest that comes with it.

Oh yeah, I know there is no really threat at the moment but it is almost a certainty that something will happen, that’s what anxiety is doing with me. I really don’t want this but I do not have control about it. I can’t control the anxiety. I just believe what he is saying, although I really conscious know it is the anxiety who let me believe exaggerated things.

 I’m fighting against it for more than fifhteen years and I’m REALLY done with it. I’m so angry and sad that anxiety still paralyses me every single day. I can’t live like I want, I’m hurting people I love. I hate anxiety, and still, how much effort I put into it, it doesn’t move… >:(

January 2015

Hello everybody,
Since a few weeks I’m seeing a therapist specialised in trauma. He also knows autism more than ‘only heard of it’. He is quite an expert in it. It’s been a long time ago that I felt so understood by someone, it’s hard to know that it has to be always with a social worker that I feel that way. It’s sometimes hard to feel
the right limitations one has in a relationship with a professional because feelings don’t make the difference between a professional and a friendly relationship…

Mostly we’re still preparing the coming sessions with EMDR by talking through situations in the recent past where I felt some resistance. That’s going well, but time always flies. I mostly have the feeling that I need half of the therapy session to come to the point where I can learn something new of myself, or where I really come to feelings who lay deeper than the superficial ones. Do you experience the same when you talk about yourself to someone?

There are still a lot of uncertainties in my life, and they will be there for quite some time. It gives some stress, so I’m glad having one day of recuperation more
than only the weekend. Normally I don’t work at Thursdays. I’m very happy that my new employer understands the difficulties I have because of my autism and hemiplegia and allows me to recuperate more than an average employee. Well, he gets paid for it, the regional government confirmed a premium because the quotas for an average employee are too high for me. The government quietly begins to understand I have more difficulties than one sees at first sight. Jippie ya yeeh!

Have a good
day you all!





Het is zover, deze week tekende ik mijn allereerste arbeidscontract. Er gaat ontzettend veel door me heen. In de eerste plaats is het spannend. Hoewel ik mezelf niet lui vind, ik weet niet wat het is om voltijds in een professionele werkomgeving te functioneren.
Daarnaast ben ik wel wat bang. Zal het mij lukken? Zal ik mijn werk goed doen? Loopt het goed met de collega’s? Zal ik niets essentieels vergeten? Heel veel vragen, maar omdat ik ze nog niet kan beantwoorden, blijven ze in mijn achterhoofd en tel ik verder de dagen af.

1 augustus, de dag dat mijn loopbaan begint. Hopelijk loopt de proefperiode oké en zijn ze tevreden over wat ik doe. Hopelijk voel ik er me goed na een tijdje en we als groep collega’s goed samenwerken.

Tegelijkertijd eindigt de loopbaan van mijn lieve peter op die speciale dag. Ik ben even gelukkig voor hem dan voor mezelf. Ik wens hem heel veel plezier met de tijd die vrij komt, zodat hij zich onder andere kan amuseren met zijn kleinkinderen.

Het wordt een ontzettend drukke juli, alles wat overdag nog moet gebeuren, plan ik uiteraard nu. Levering hier, afspraak daar, ziekenhuisbezoek ginder. Kijk er op een bepaalde manier wel naar uit. Hoe actiever ik dan ben, hoe meer ik er zelf van overtuigd kan geraken dat ik voldoende energie zal vinden om voltijds te kunnen gaan werken.

En zo blijft het in de eerste plaats positief spannend.