I’m scared. I can’t describe it. From 17th Februari I need to stay home from work. Pretty nasty shortage of multiple vitamines… First day at work again will be 16th March and since a few days I’m worrying as shit about it. How long will I work until I need to stay at home again with the same symptoms? how long will it take that my body and mind will try to tell me that I’m doing more than I actually can handle. How long will it take for me to see these signs? But most scaring to me: how long will it take for me to start making mistakes or when will my employer not be happy anymore about the work I do?

I know I think too much but I’m scared as hell about my job. If, in the future, I don’t get the money I get today, we won’t be able to live in the house we’re living in. It would be really too expansive. And really: I don’t have the energy to move out and all the rest that comes with it.

Oh yeah, I know there is no really threat at the moment but it is almost a certainty that something will happen, that’s what anxiety is doing with me. I really don’t want this but I do not have control about it. I can’t control the anxiety. I just believe what he is saying, although I really conscious know it is the anxiety who let me believe exaggerated things.

 I’m fighting against it for more than fifhteen years and I’m REALLY done with it. I’m so angry and sad that anxiety still paralyses me every single day. I can’t live like I want, I’m hurting people I love. I hate anxiety, and still, how much effort I put into it, it doesn’t move… >:(